My obsession, an open confession.
(Work in Progress)
Written as a photo script for a short film. Descriptions are in italics.
I hear this as a monologue and it flows nicely. I have made a scene, action, shot description document also which is full of ideas about how to make it visually vibrant. See scene description.
I see the main character (Terry) as a semi wild experienced looking lad with a face that says he´s felt the consequences of his life decisions. A likeable rouge. He’s a smoker and uses cigarettes to show us his continuing addiction. He`s naturally cocky.
He´s out and about in the city, walking down the streets. A monologue starts with devised scenes interacting with the street and people and edits of memories as per the script below. Inserted pictures are guides to thought images.
In the beginning he’s looking into the camera, because he’s going to take you on a quick trip around town, past some of his local haunts, bumping into a friend or two on the way. He’s open, cool and willing to talk about his life.
Terry: “Ive been taking a long hard look at myself recently! (nods at the camera) in the mirror, so to speak. A friend of mine, the poet Wordsmith, said to me once, “Terry” “Treat people like mirrors and watch how you reflect in their eyes.” (nods at the camera) “I have no fucking idea what that means” “But I do know that I have an addictive personality, I’m obsessive and I’m generally happy about it.
Edit in pictures of famous authors that have been manipulated to look more modern.
Terry: “Take Byron for example, he was completely obsessed with sex”. “250 women in 1 year!” (tilts his head sideways in respect)
Terry: “or Charles Dickens !, he was obsessed with morgues, for fuck sake!!”
Terry: “and there was Hemingway with drink”
Terry: ” and Burroughs with drugs, I could go on and on”
Terry: “Anyway” (pause) “Obsession has really helped to look at who I am. Its helped me to understand a part of my real true nature. Ive accepted it, you know? Understanding obsession helps me to understand human nature and the situation I live in.”
“It’s helped me position myself in the world, much in the same way that stories do.”
“Well anyway, ME?” ” I’ve been struggling with obsession. Seems like I always need something to obsess about. Sometimes I obsess about random shit, other times it’s whatever is in front of my eyes.”
“Its what`s advertised at me!”
Staring intently at the above poster on the street. Makes a kind of pout at the picture.
“Its whatever gets me through the day. If I was going home to that at the end of the day I could deal with any shit. It’s whatever distracts me sufficiently so I can dream, yeah, dream and avoid reality. It often takes the female form. I follow the curves and it follow the contours.”
The above picture is where he goes with the picture on the street.
Breathing between commas.
“It gets me up, it gets me down, it creates awkward situations and it feeds ego and destroys ego and see-saw’s up my perspective, down my moods and into my actions.”
Looking at a building site, broken and dirty.
“But rather than go dark and negative about it I should manipulate it, or embrace it, just as it does me. For its just as much part of my personality and it is character flaw. On the positive side it can drive huge motivation and create a great work ethic. It’s a creative problem solver. It’s a mountain mover. If I feel inspired by an idea I can make concepts and ideas a reality. What a gift that is!”
Pause. then continuing at the same thought speed.
“I have often been in situations thinking to myself “I can’t believe I just pulled that off” or “did that just happen?”. my emotions embellish every thought and warp my perception.”
Pause. Slower and more pensive.
“I only see this now, but never at the time. I live in desire or need or obsession or fantasy for something, or someone, and if things are going well I’m perfectly happy to float through it.”
Smiling, enjoying the thought dream….
Dream turns to black and quickly refocuses.
Scene change, someplace darker, grim. Camera close up, matter of factly spoken…
He plays with facial expressions and touches his nose now and again.. there’s a series of blurred images during this scene, random places and people.
“On the negative side obsession is often ruthless. It considers the consequences as consequential. Consequences are somehow diluted down, argued with and rationalized, sectioned off effectively and reduced to a minimal level of noise. Often bias, it pushes aside moral objections. Often single minded it concentrates on the target, the goal becomes everything. The keep your eyes on the prize mentality. This often results in fooling oneself into false or unreal situations, essentially believing one’s own lies because they serve, they slave, they obey…. And They eventually always fucking humble.”
Pause while he remembers a night gone wrong, blurred images.
He has arrived at a neutral place, he’s buying a packet of cigarettes.
Shaking his head in agreement with what he is about to say.
“Then theres a little something that I like to call The Responsibilities Waver”
“What a classic Joker!”
“It’s a mentally constructed legal document that acts as a waver, a get out of jail free card or a business card with the words “fuck it” written on it. It’s Punk. Its ruckus. Its highly addictive. I love the Anger, the rawness, the animal. I can chase that fucker all day long. Even better is Self Righteous anger ! That is the bomb, the Nepalm, the Apocalypse Now of self absorbed narcissism.” “I will shoot you down!!” “I will shout you down”!!!!!
“There is a huge amount of self will involved with active obsession. That requires ego. Tons of it. It allows me to manipulate people and things. I can imagine scenarios and possibilities and what-if tales of self satisfaction, and I can imagine the best mechanisms for how to get them. Sometimes I succeed, other times I fail. With success comes short lived satisfaction but Christ it feels good. With failure comes insecurity and despondency, which can sometimes trigger a change of object attraction or trigger The Grass is greener syndrome, the need to experience and taste it all syndrome or “You only live once syndrome”.
Pause. Reflection. Also.
My obsession loves fiction. Always has. I used to think the dream world a superior existence than the real. In a certain way my obsessions act like bridges to that world, often with utopian qualities. It manifests itself in the 3rd person, thereby personifying thoughts, dreams, lusts and sentiments as more real. They become objects to be admired and considered, added to the menu for instant cooking or frozen for later consumption.
I see this short entirely in black and white, except here where we sneak in a glimse of colour. Why? Because he’s just remembered to talk about triggers. But just a few seconds of colour to illustrate the neurones and the heart references, because thats where he feels it.
“And then there’s The Triggers. I love those triggers. I’m attracted to them.”
multiple images flash across the screen, multiple triggers, women, money, drugs, food, sex, etc. This scene is a mix of images and half remembered blurred flashbacks. Voiceover –
“I stalk triggers, I watch how they behave, how they develop and how they change and effect me. I let the thought dreams churn and stretch inside me. The longing starts. It hurts. It pulls on my heart and it digs. It talks to me and tells me what I want. I swear that bastard toys with me. I often relish in the strength of it. It fires neurons of excitement. I get high of it, I admit.”
“my mate Wordsmith said it best”
Scene change to a drunken night at a bar with Terry and friends and Wordsmith reading his poem.
Wordsmith: “Intoxicated I fantasize frenzied scenes. There she is again, my wonderful trigger. How I want her! Uncontrollably I want her. To know every nuance, every gift of the mind and carnal experience. I see you and I surrender. In one ecstatic moment I would abandon all for that perfect lust filled fuck of decadence with you. A deeper instinct belongs to you, to you and the trigger you fire at me. I feel perfectly alive, all senses consumed, soul ignited. Its here …… in this moment……. I need to stay.”
Long pause. He’s floating in his moment. Its perfect. We look at him, absorbed.
He mouths the next words but nothing comes out, he takes a second and continues.
“And I know the difference between passion and obsession!”
“Passion sources from love and obsession sources from lust. Simplistic for sure but for me lust is a need or a lacking in oneself, resulting in the desire for someone or something else. A need to please oneself. A need to satisfy a raw desire and fill that hole! Often this comes at the expense of others. This is turn brings remorse, guilt and self loathing. In turn it forms a circle, then a spiral down, to someplace dark, cold, morbid and bleak. I hit bottom. I feel empty, completely void of anything resembling self respect.”
“I know addicts that like the pain, the longing. I might be one of them. I consider myself to have a low tolerance for both pain and addiction. Some addicts repeat the same obsessive mistakes because each time the hit is the same and each time the hit works. Until it stops working. Personally I need to keep moving, I need new territory and different rewards. But that’s another thing, another gem of self discovery.”
“So, that’s the crux ladies and gentlemen, self discovery.”
“How very cliche I hear you say!”
“But I’d bet there ain’t too many of you that’s heard this….”
He’s looking straight into the camera, earnestly..
“A spiritual experience can change everything”